NEWCASTLE TO RE-NAME STADIUM EVERY 30 SECONDS!

NEWCASTLE United are to change the name of their historic St James's Park Stadium every 30 seconds, in accordance with the highest bidder.

Your bogus money making scheme here

The previous sign was torn down yesterday and replaced with a scrolling digital screen displaying the constantly changing adverts.

Since the sign was erected it has changed the name of the stadium to that of 12 local minicab firms, a kebab house and a firm that makes scrolling digital advertisement signs.

Club owner Mike Ashley said: "I have huge respect for the fans of this club and I know this will not change the atmosphere here at the - hang on, let's see - Gateshead Nissan Repair Garage Stadium."

He added: "The Jesmond Hair and Nail Salon Stadium remains one of the finest in the country and this new revenue will allow us to upgrade the Singh's Newsagent, Tobacconist and Fancy Gifts stand."

But angry fan Charlie Reeves said: "I'm going to have to buy 30 seconds on the scrolling digital sign just so I can rename it the I am Disgusted With This Scrolling Digital Sign Stadium.

"That said, I have also paid for 10 minutes of The Citroen Saxo, 86000 miles, nice little runner, £1200 ono Stadium."

Ashley said he hopes to have a permanent sponsor in place by next summer, adding: "A group of Sunderland businessmen has tabled a £30m offer, which means we can all look forward to many happy years at Alan Shearer is a Colossal Tit Park."